When horses are the boss

So it finally happened. Jillian finally has had enough of horses. Last night at horse lessons Jillian was given a choice to ride a different horse than usual. Since she is a bit shy I had her ask our teacher which horse she thought she should ride. So Bentley was the choice.
Now Macy was as content as ever riding Phoebe. All was well until Jillian started to trot. The teacher could see that Jill was not in full control. She told Jill to get Bentley to stop or walk. Try as she might she couldn't. Her words turned into screams because Bentley turned it into a full gallop in the ring. I jumped into the ring knowing what was about to happen. The teacher and I both tried to get him to slow down and he came to a corner to stop.
Now generally when a horse decides to stop on a dime whatever is on the horse will come off. Jillian hit the ground hard and jumped up quick. But I knew it wasn't good. She said she was never going to ride again. I was more concerned with her arm bent in an unnatural way. I knew it was broke. I never panic in trauma situations unless it is one of my girls. Although I didn't panic outwardly my heart was racing. First I wanted someone to call 911 but realized I could drive to the ER faster.
Macy was in tears and was so concerned with her sisters well being. Macy is so sweet and tender. As we drove to the hospital, all I could think is why couldn't I have caught her. Another 5 feet and she would have been in my arms. I felt powerless. But I know that it is what it is, an accident. Now the fun began with the comedy of errors. I called Lori to let her know what happened. She was in line at Costco. After waiting in the ER for an hour just to get triage They confirmed what I knew. The funny thing is that as I first came in with only 7 people in the ER I knew life was funny. 6 people were called ahead of us that were not even there anymore. The first employee I spoke with asked the typical questions. I told her my wife was a RN in Labor and Delivery at this hospital. She then asked where does your wife work? I told her here at the hospital. She asked what does she do? I told her she is an RN. She asked what department. I wondered is this really typical? Do people just not here what other people say?
I think we have become so busy in filling out our forms, that we don't hear the answers or forget because we are trained rats. So Lori showed up and I took Macy home to be with Grandma. She cried almost for 2 hours about the incident. So after I got back to the ER the X rays confirmed her bent arm was broken. They sedated her to put it back in place. The Dr was so funny in asking her questions if she was awake. He asked her which sister was her favorite. Macy. Who was the one she didn't like the most. Bridget. She would talk in gibberish and we needed our video camera. She cried even though sedated. It was painful but she held up great. She didn't know she had been out for only 5 minutes.
So eventually Lori went home. Did I tell you that they turned off the water to the hospital? They are building new wings and needed to do so. Friday night busy and lets shut down the restrooms. Outside to the portapotty. Now over 3o people in the ER and outside on the benches. Mental patients roaming around wanting to be seen. Cops there for to injured patients. So 11:30 rolls around and we get home. By the way Jillian had to use a bedpan for her first time.
So Grandma told me that Bridget wanted to see Jillian. I brought her down out of her sleep and she was concerned for her sister. Even though Jillian may say Bridget is a pest, that little pest is the most caring child I know. So as I reflected on the days events I knew that I was moving into the right profession. After seeing some cold nurses with no bedside manner and others that did I realized that you still need your compassion to shine through for the little girls who need it.

I hear so I am

How many times do we sit down to listen to music? Why is it important? Why do we sit and listen to our children? Why are sounds sometimes annoying? Why do we choose certain music over and over?
I have listened to so much music in my life I thought I would tire of it by now. Especially since my hearing has diminished from loud concerts and just bad habits. I have seen so many concerts that often I am amazed I can still walk without falling over from ruptured ear drums. I listen to music because of the old adage it soothes the savage beast. I listen to it because it helps be relax from things I cannot control. It brings me to simpler and easier times. It reminds me of days past present and future. All in all it makes me feel good. The same can be said for listening to my children. (sometimes) I often listen to the words as they were meant for a grand ideal. I sometimes hear them for plain old nonsense. I enjoy the subtleties of words by the poetic nature of some. I love the hidden humor. But most of all I enjoy the feeling of joy that it brings to me. If it is a hymn then it is great. If it is of a guitar player putting his soul into a few bars of pure joy it is good for me. If it is a singer not hitting the note perfectly but his soul is laid out for all to see then it moves me. One case in example is Otis Redding singing Try a Little Tenderness. I shed a tear every time. Now I have heard this song easily over 1000 times. It doesn't matter, it gets me every time. Is it a suppressed memory or a deep thought that I need to improve? It doesn't even matter to me. It is just the raw emotion that is so powerful. Stevie Ray Vaughan playing Tick Tock or Riviera Paradise or Texas Flood. Doobie Brothers playing Long Train Running, Allman Brothers playing Melissa. Kenny Loggins, Dan Fogleberg, Prince, Marvin Gaye, Teddy Pendergrass, Same Cooke, and so many others have touched me. So why do I post about this?
I think that music as art are tied together perfectly. They are both of harmony. Is the gospel also tied into harmony? I hope so. I hear a hymn sometimes and I have perfect clarity for a few moments. I see what I should be and how all man kind should be. I see the purity of children in music and art. Will my children ever be great artists or musicians? Remember the old saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I see the joy they have in singing or drawing and I know that they are great. I could never spend large sums of money on something called art that does not show love beauty or passion derived from beauty to me. Not saying that Pollack wasnt a genius. I too have painted like him. But I will never be in his circle.
I have sat and listened to my children talk and am amazed at how they see so many things. Jillian sees things carefully. Macy often sees things on multiple levels. Bridget cares for everyone and wants a Cinderella world. Roxana just wants the same as her sisters. Lori says things that show me what a compassionate spiritual person she is. Me, I just talk talk talk. I know that I am here on earth to do what is right. I cannot take back what I have ever said but I can say what I think. I know that music can soothe the savage beast. Look at me.

SO, why am I here?

I know that question has been asked and answered many times. I am putting forth an answer that answers both the spiritual and temporal. I can say that I am now learning why after almost 47 years. As I have embarked on my new learning in preparation for my new career I have become amazed at the universe. As a child I looked to the stars and to the logic of it all. I read a year ago or so that scientists have stated that the universe has an end. So when you get to the end of the universe what is there? A brick wall saying you cant go any further? A line in the sand saying don't cross this line? An endless waterfall that once you go over you disappear? Such learned men create strange things. Then there was an article that said the universe was like a soccer ball with hexagon shapes. Again all to contain within some type of understanding. Can we not explain everything? Is it man's ignorance that forces us to explain every little thing?
Well as I was listening to a podcast on anatomy and physiology about DNA transportation and translation ( I haven't started classes yet but wanted to get a head start) that I saw the glory of God's creation again. I have seen it many times. In the water, in the air, on top of a mountain, at the birth of my children, at the Temple with my wife. So again as I am learning again I see the treasures of what God created. We are not tadpoles. We are majestic complex humans created in his image to further the cause of good and justice.
I sat and thought why am I hear? I am hear to learn. To teach. To love. To cry. To stand tall. To protect. To listen. All these human experiences to bring me to a greater understanding of he who created me and to give thanks. So why am I going down this path to become a nurse? Lets rewind.
I was born with out the traditional loving parents. I was moved about from home to home until I was 11. 8 different homes. I was treated well at times and not so well at other times. No matter I always knew it was just a matter of time. I started working at age 13. I have a resume of jobs that is long. Lawn mower, busboy dishwasher, fry cook, broiler cook, prep cook, short order cook, Burger King employee, T-shirt presser, hay bayler, Oil rig roughneck, car washer, hoddie, (makes concrete for bricklayers) Street sweeper, liquor store cashier, light bulb changer(BYU), tool calibrator, general gopher for defense contractor, english teacher (Taiwan), International sales, Demolition worker, dump truck driver, wood chopper, shipping and receiving clerk, stereo sales, stereo manager, Newspaper depot manager, computer operator, pool cover salesman, Pool designer, business owner and certified nurse assistant. Whew. Can I retire now?
All things are for your good. I have learned something from EVERY job I have had. I know that I am now in the right profession. The other professions have helped me get here but now I am heading towards a meaningful and satisfying career. I have always enjoyed helping people on a large and small scale. I have always wanted to solve problems. Even if I could not solve my own. Isn't that like everyone though? As I reflect on being a CNA at this time I know that I care for my patients. I genuinely want the best for them. Even if they are rude or mean to me. I have compassion. I thought I lost that for so many years. It was there but it didn't have the right outlet. I have realized that I love my fellow human beings. I may not show it but I do not want anyone to hurt. That doesn't mean I wan t them to steal all that I have for their own enjoyment. I have said mean things in my life for which I am ashamed and saddened. I have hurt people with words and fists. I am ashamed of that also. I have stood up for others rights and have been beaten for it. I have never understood why I was given a gift of fighting. Some day it might come in handy to protect my family.
But I have a deeper gift of compassion. I did not understand it until I had to put a patient into the morgue. I know that I treated this patient with kindness where others didn't. I witnessed others treat this patient with disdain. I never saw her with anything other than a person who needed help. I also saw a patient that is near her end and I told her one day we would meet again and be able to walk together in our Heavenly father's kingdom. She has lost much of her mind but I know she understood me 100 percent. I also saw a patient on his last days needing compassion and understanding where others refused. His last couple of days on earth were painful. I was able to tell him that I would do all in my power to make sure he was comfortable as I could provide. One day I will meet him again and hope that I lived up to my promise.
For some of you reading this you may think who is this person who is typing this? It cant be the Tim I know. It is and always has been. I know that I may not show it but I do care. I know that we are all in this world to be better. It takes some of us a long time to understand this but it is the end result that counts. as long as we do something about it. I am excited to become a nurse and to provide compassion and understanding to those that need it. Will I be perfect every time? You already know the answer to that.