When horses are the boss

So it finally happened. Jillian finally has had enough of horses. Last night at horse lessons Jillian was given a choice to ride a different horse than usual. Since she is a bit shy I had her ask our teacher which horse she thought she should ride. So Bentley was the choice.
Now Macy was as content as ever riding Phoebe. All was well until Jillian started to trot. The teacher could see that Jill was not in full control. She told Jill to get Bentley to stop or walk. Try as she might she couldn't. Her words turned into screams because Bentley turned it into a full gallop in the ring. I jumped into the ring knowing what was about to happen. The teacher and I both tried to get him to slow down and he came to a corner to stop.
Now generally when a horse decides to stop on a dime whatever is on the horse will come off. Jillian hit the ground hard and jumped up quick. But I knew it wasn't good. She said she was never going to ride again. I was more concerned with her arm bent in an unnatural way. I knew it was broke. I never panic in trauma situations unless it is one of my girls. Although I didn't panic outwardly my heart was racing. First I wanted someone to call 911 but realized I could drive to the ER faster.
Macy was in tears and was so concerned with her sisters well being. Macy is so sweet and tender. As we drove to the hospital, all I could think is why couldn't I have caught her. Another 5 feet and she would have been in my arms. I felt powerless. But I know that it is what it is, an accident. Now the fun began with the comedy of errors. I called Lori to let her know what happened. She was in line at Costco. After waiting in the ER for an hour just to get triage They confirmed what I knew. The funny thing is that as I first came in with only 7 people in the ER I knew life was funny. 6 people were called ahead of us that were not even there anymore. The first employee I spoke with asked the typical questions. I told her my wife was a RN in Labor and Delivery at this hospital. She then asked where does your wife work? I told her here at the hospital. She asked what does she do? I told her she is an RN. She asked what department. I wondered is this really typical? Do people just not here what other people say?
I think we have become so busy in filling out our forms, that we don't hear the answers or forget because we are trained rats. So Lori showed up and I took Macy home to be with Grandma. She cried almost for 2 hours about the incident. So after I got back to the ER the X rays confirmed her bent arm was broken. They sedated her to put it back in place. The Dr was so funny in asking her questions if she was awake. He asked her which sister was her favorite. Macy. Who was the one she didn't like the most. Bridget. She would talk in gibberish and we needed our video camera. She cried even though sedated. It was painful but she held up great. She didn't know she had been out for only 5 minutes.
So eventually Lori went home. Did I tell you that they turned off the water to the hospital? They are building new wings and needed to do so. Friday night busy and lets shut down the restrooms. Outside to the portapotty. Now over 3o people in the ER and outside on the benches. Mental patients roaming around wanting to be seen. Cops there for to injured patients. So 11:30 rolls around and we get home. By the way Jillian had to use a bedpan for her first time.
So Grandma told me that Bridget wanted to see Jillian. I brought her down out of her sleep and she was concerned for her sister. Even though Jillian may say Bridget is a pest, that little pest is the most caring child I know. So as I reflected on the days events I knew that I was moving into the right profession. After seeing some cold nurses with no bedside manner and others that did I realized that you still need your compassion to shine through for the little girls who need it.

I hear so I am

How many times do we sit down to listen to music? Why is it important? Why do we sit and listen to our children? Why are sounds sometimes annoying? Why do we choose certain music over and over?
I have listened to so much music in my life I thought I would tire of it by now. Especially since my hearing has diminished from loud concerts and just bad habits. I have seen so many concerts that often I am amazed I can still walk without falling over from ruptured ear drums. I listen to music because of the old adage it soothes the savage beast. I listen to it because it helps be relax from things I cannot control. It brings me to simpler and easier times. It reminds me of days past present and future. All in all it makes me feel good. The same can be said for listening to my children. (sometimes) I often listen to the words as they were meant for a grand ideal. I sometimes hear them for plain old nonsense. I enjoy the subtleties of words by the poetic nature of some. I love the hidden humor. But most of all I enjoy the feeling of joy that it brings to me. If it is a hymn then it is great. If it is of a guitar player putting his soul into a few bars of pure joy it is good for me. If it is a singer not hitting the note perfectly but his soul is laid out for all to see then it moves me. One case in example is Otis Redding singing Try a Little Tenderness. I shed a tear every time. Now I have heard this song easily over 1000 times. It doesn't matter, it gets me every time. Is it a suppressed memory or a deep thought that I need to improve? It doesn't even matter to me. It is just the raw emotion that is so powerful. Stevie Ray Vaughan playing Tick Tock or Riviera Paradise or Texas Flood. Doobie Brothers playing Long Train Running, Allman Brothers playing Melissa. Kenny Loggins, Dan Fogleberg, Prince, Marvin Gaye, Teddy Pendergrass, Same Cooke, and so many others have touched me. So why do I post about this?
I think that music as art are tied together perfectly. They are both of harmony. Is the gospel also tied into harmony? I hope so. I hear a hymn sometimes and I have perfect clarity for a few moments. I see what I should be and how all man kind should be. I see the purity of children in music and art. Will my children ever be great artists or musicians? Remember the old saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I see the joy they have in singing or drawing and I know that they are great. I could never spend large sums of money on something called art that does not show love beauty or passion derived from beauty to me. Not saying that Pollack wasnt a genius. I too have painted like him. But I will never be in his circle.
I have sat and listened to my children talk and am amazed at how they see so many things. Jillian sees things carefully. Macy often sees things on multiple levels. Bridget cares for everyone and wants a Cinderella world. Roxana just wants the same as her sisters. Lori says things that show me what a compassionate spiritual person she is. Me, I just talk talk talk. I know that I am here on earth to do what is right. I cannot take back what I have ever said but I can say what I think. I know that music can soothe the savage beast. Look at me.

SO, why am I here?

I know that question has been asked and answered many times. I am putting forth an answer that answers both the spiritual and temporal. I can say that I am now learning why after almost 47 years. As I have embarked on my new learning in preparation for my new career I have become amazed at the universe. As a child I looked to the stars and to the logic of it all. I read a year ago or so that scientists have stated that the universe has an end. So when you get to the end of the universe what is there? A brick wall saying you cant go any further? A line in the sand saying don't cross this line? An endless waterfall that once you go over you disappear? Such learned men create strange things. Then there was an article that said the universe was like a soccer ball with hexagon shapes. Again all to contain within some type of understanding. Can we not explain everything? Is it man's ignorance that forces us to explain every little thing?
Well as I was listening to a podcast on anatomy and physiology about DNA transportation and translation ( I haven't started classes yet but wanted to get a head start) that I saw the glory of God's creation again. I have seen it many times. In the water, in the air, on top of a mountain, at the birth of my children, at the Temple with my wife. So again as I am learning again I see the treasures of what God created. We are not tadpoles. We are majestic complex humans created in his image to further the cause of good and justice.
I sat and thought why am I hear? I am hear to learn. To teach. To love. To cry. To stand tall. To protect. To listen. All these human experiences to bring me to a greater understanding of he who created me and to give thanks. So why am I going down this path to become a nurse? Lets rewind.
I was born with out the traditional loving parents. I was moved about from home to home until I was 11. 8 different homes. I was treated well at times and not so well at other times. No matter I always knew it was just a matter of time. I started working at age 13. I have a resume of jobs that is long. Lawn mower, busboy dishwasher, fry cook, broiler cook, prep cook, short order cook, Burger King employee, T-shirt presser, hay bayler, Oil rig roughneck, car washer, hoddie, (makes concrete for bricklayers) Street sweeper, liquor store cashier, light bulb changer(BYU), tool calibrator, general gopher for defense contractor, english teacher (Taiwan), International sales, Demolition worker, dump truck driver, wood chopper, shipping and receiving clerk, stereo sales, stereo manager, Newspaper depot manager, computer operator, pool cover salesman, Pool designer, business owner and certified nurse assistant. Whew. Can I retire now?
All things are for your good. I have learned something from EVERY job I have had. I know that I am now in the right profession. The other professions have helped me get here but now I am heading towards a meaningful and satisfying career. I have always enjoyed helping people on a large and small scale. I have always wanted to solve problems. Even if I could not solve my own. Isn't that like everyone though? As I reflect on being a CNA at this time I know that I care for my patients. I genuinely want the best for them. Even if they are rude or mean to me. I have compassion. I thought I lost that for so many years. It was there but it didn't have the right outlet. I have realized that I love my fellow human beings. I may not show it but I do not want anyone to hurt. That doesn't mean I wan t them to steal all that I have for their own enjoyment. I have said mean things in my life for which I am ashamed and saddened. I have hurt people with words and fists. I am ashamed of that also. I have stood up for others rights and have been beaten for it. I have never understood why I was given a gift of fighting. Some day it might come in handy to protect my family.
But I have a deeper gift of compassion. I did not understand it until I had to put a patient into the morgue. I know that I treated this patient with kindness where others didn't. I witnessed others treat this patient with disdain. I never saw her with anything other than a person who needed help. I also saw a patient that is near her end and I told her one day we would meet again and be able to walk together in our Heavenly father's kingdom. She has lost much of her mind but I know she understood me 100 percent. I also saw a patient on his last days needing compassion and understanding where others refused. His last couple of days on earth were painful. I was able to tell him that I would do all in my power to make sure he was comfortable as I could provide. One day I will meet him again and hope that I lived up to my promise.
For some of you reading this you may think who is this person who is typing this? It cant be the Tim I know. It is and always has been. I know that I may not show it but I do care. I know that we are all in this world to be better. It takes some of us a long time to understand this but it is the end result that counts. as long as we do something about it. I am excited to become a nurse and to provide compassion and understanding to those that need it. Will I be perfect every time? You already know the answer to that.

Easter blew by

So it has been a while since I last posted anything newsworthy. I think sometimes I am caught up in updating a blog to let people know what is going on and missing what is happening. So I realized that I have a desire to let my friends know things above what I should be doing. I also hold on to old friends with great care because they mean so much to me but to many it is not the same. I have stayed in touch with friends from 35 years ago. I know that it is not as important to them as it is to me. But I learned many many years ago that it is important to me to be a friend forever. I want to always have my friends close. But people grow and change. I too have grown and changed. I enjoy the change. I love to see my friends and how they have changed. One day when I am much grayer I will have my friends to talk to. If they can still understand my sense of humor. I have seen some friends pass on. I am secure that they knew I was always there to talk to or to be a friend when they were in their darkest hours. I think that we take for granted our friendships. Do we know them well enough? Do we thank them for their acts of kindness? Do we give them their space when they need it?
I have sat many nights ready to write my thoughts about Easter nut couldn't do it. Now here it is time to write. Easter is a time to reflect on things of past and how they affect us now and tomorrow. How do we apply this great gift to become better people and give to others. So many talks and concepts are given at this time. In reality it is and should be a very personal thing. Since our Savior died for each and every one of us. Not just a sacrifice for a whole but for every fiber, cell and spirit. Lori and I had the privilege of attending the Temple for 5 sessions one day. We went with an idea of learning and being rejuvenated. It works. Many things can be learned there. But the one thing that always sticks out is that there is peace available to us.
Easter is a glorious time to see new beginnings or rebirths. A second chance for all of us to fulfill our destinies or at least find them. What a time to know who we are why we are here and where we are heading. In this uncertain time of uneasiness in the world we have a wonderful plan to find peace and salvation. When others say we need to do this or that to fix problems when no one really knows what it will take to fix financial problems. We can be assured in knowing if we want to be with our Savior we can strive to live like him and we will live with him again. I was with a patient the other day and they had a picture on their stand of Michael and lucifer. It showed of a war in Heaven. It was interesting to hear the patient say how could there be a war in heaven and why did it happen? I was quick to say what I thought since it is second nature to me. The patient then remarked that she had never thought of it that way. How we take our limited knowledge for granted so many times.
How odd are we to others that we can have a personal relationship with our Savior. How we can stand up for what our beliefs are when the rest of the world decries that what we believe is old fashioned or not tolerant enough. Remember when we have the opportunity to stand tall to state with all our might that Jesus Christ is our Savior we can say it with pure conviction regardless of the consequences. I know that I will one day cry at his feet. I will be in joy with my family by my side to be counted with him.
As I held little Eli Walker it amazed me how wonderful new babies are. Each time I hold one it reminds me of the birth of our Savior and his bring to pass our opportunities we have today. Little Eli was blessed today and Mike did a wonderful job. He was moved by the Spirit in his preparation and his child we be grateful one day for his fathers blessing.

Just Macy

Macy is a crackup. She has a song in her head and just goes around the house singing no matter who is here or if anyone is awake. She plays the piano the same way just for her enjoyment. I cannot tell you the times we have just sat there wondering if she knows we are watching or listening. So anyways last summer we taped her going on one of her songs. We love it. Hope you laugh too. Pause the normal music playing in the background

The times of our lives

So did the headline get you interested? Well I thought I would put down some thoughts today that are mostly random and incoherent. Isn't that what you have come to expect? I was reading an article that said California would penalize its tax payers 20% if they underestimated their taxes. So unless you are perfect in your estimation of taxes, prepare for penalties. Also taxes on soda to go up. (Sorry Lori) Taxes on services to start. Download taxes on movies and tunes. funny how you can be taxed for something that is not tangible. Just binary numbers. More taxes on top of taxes here. So maybe it is just me but taxes go up in a recession causing deeper problems. Sanity is just a fleeting thought. Well enough of the doom and gloom.
Macy announced to Lori at Church that it is the best thing we do as a family. She loves church. We just finished reading The Book Of Mormon together. It took a while chapter by chapter but it was a great thing. especially with our schedules. What a helpful thing during times of over taxation. There I go again with gloom and doom. Macy also told Lori that she is almost in the place she needs to be. At 7 she knows that only when she turns 8 will she be ready to move on. She has been looking forward to her baptism for over 2 years. She is patient. She cracks us up so much. Last year her teacher sent home the obligatory letter saying she would be giving out an award at assembly to Macy. So as I stood behind her at the assembly the Principal announced her name and looked puzzled at her teacher. She announced her name again saying "for outstanding critical thinking, Macy Reed." The room was silent for a second until they realized it was for real. The principal also stated that she had never given out an award like that. I don't know where she gets the critical thinking from. I must say Macy makes things flow smoothly around the house. She helps her little sisters with reading and teaching them to use the computer or do puzzles. She loves to try to show Bridget how to play the piano. She started her writing a song and practices it often. Her piano teacher is impressed. I cannot tell you all how blessed I really am with my family. It is indeed the reason I am on this earth. Either to be taught by them or to teach them, I'm not sure which.
I think that as I get older (such a grand statement) I see things differently in that I must be getting dementia because I cant remember how I used to think. (not really cause we know I am never wrong). Many people think I can never admit I am wrong. but in reality I admit often I am wrong. I just don't say it loudly or near a recorder so someone can use it against me.
I just started working at a hospital as a CNA this week. It was odd because I got so many looks from Dr.'s who thought I was an RN or therapist. It is also refreshing to be back to a job that requires me to liten to others and do as I am told. Sometimes freedoms in employment can actually stiffle you. You can make mistakes that you can sweep under the rug more easily. Now I am at the bottom of the barrel and responsible for all my actions for all to see. It is also refreshing to help those who cannot help themselves. I wonder why I didnt do this sooner. I guess more lessons to learn. I know the next 2 years will be extremely taxing on my pea sized brain. I will be happy to get back into the drivers seat in the income department. Words of wisdom here. Never go in business with someone without an ironclad agreement and a barrel of excess money at your disposal.
One last note. Roxana has a play horse that she say at Costco and Grandma got her for Christmas. She is so funny she wont ride it. She gets on the side of it sitting on the protected springs and holding on to the head. She cracks me up.

What would I do

I often think about where I am today. Where would I be if it were not for my wife and children. It is amazing how we get stuck in the here and now instead of looking back to see really how far we have come. Or to look to the future to see how far we can go. I know that many including myself often say you must be focused on the now. True but we must gauge our progress on something so the past is a great indicator. I see pictures of my children and it really brings out past joys that help us through the present. Sometimes we don't see those things in the present. I think that is really the sad part. But I am trying more. We recently went to the New Children's Museum in San Diego. It was fun. The first thing I saw (Of course I am overly critical) was the possible injuries from boards not meeting what I think is the safety code. Funny how I see all these things. I got over my critical thinking and just enjoyed the day. (Hard to imagine right?) Roxie had a messy fun time painting. Everyone enjoyed the clay making area. I think the big hit was the pillow fight room. Imagine me in a room watching kids bounce around and Roxie getting knocked over. I dont know why I am so overprotective, do you? Anyways it was a great day. Reality set back in though when I saw a sign for the museum applying for a liquor license. Really do people need to have liquor at a childrens museum? Can we not have a fun day without wine and beer? Oh well so much for moral clarity in the world. I must say though it was fun to let the kids just tear it up. Kids make fun from anything. I wish our politicians would take lessons from the children and learn that we dont have to spend a ton of money just to see what makes kids tick. Let kids be kids. (just keep that 13 year old boy in England away from girls for a while)

Love ya

Tim